Dec 15, 2009
Trying to find a space to truly fit in
Looking to place feet on stable ground
When something is lost that used to be found.
Missing the days of ease and peace
When everything I knew was within my reach
I have to learn how to make it alone
Because what is empty used to be called home.
Sifting through a life now tossed in shambles
My mind wanders and my words seem to ramble
Time to renew my broken spirit
Although some would say I really should fear it.
Stand amongst the shattered pieces
And shake out the silent tearful releases
Breathe in fresh, reviving air
Hold tight the hands of the ones who care.
Beginnings are not meant to be faced alone
Wounds will heal once they are shone
The light of smiling faces awaken
Strength to capture hope that was previously taken.
Dec 4, 2009
I am a chameleon
My clothes change and my
Make-up changes with my moods.
I make myself at home in
A bookstore, an art gallery, a classroom
A dance floor, a sports bar, an opera.
I can make you smile with my changing faces
I can make you cry with my changing words
My strength grows with my acquired knowledge
My heart grows with acknowledgement of blessings.
I can change and move about
Unnoticed. Or if I choose
I can stand out and shine
So I say- you may say
I am a chameleon.
Nov 10, 2009
Oct 14, 2009
Trees stretch their branches and
Flowers their petals
Bathing in the cold crisp water
Puddles reflect the sun-shining like
Wiggling glass and rivers
Brighter than the muted sun
Shielded by fast moving clouds
Their shapes-peaks of freshly whipped cream
Windshield wipers dance like the outstretched arms
Of ballerinas moving gracefully, executing perfectly
The dance that accompanies
The symphony of Spartacus
That plays on my car stereo.
Facing forward in paused march
Forming a pattern in militaristic style
Wind blows their million leaves
They curtain the sky above
Like green’s spectrum on scales
Of a million fish illuminated
Sounds like whispers or sweet beckoning song
Or blood flowing through the veins in my ears
This sound draws peace and silence
Washes over me and I am still
Still as the trees’ trunks, swaying
Ever so slightly at the wind’s soft touch
Tiny-thin girls walk by with heavy laden footsteps
I see boots over jeans and the wrinkled scarves
That have been pulled from backs of drawers
My eyes see familiar trees and building
Through a new lens, a softer view
This change in the weather brings a
Change in my head, my mind is searching for
Something new and I am finding it in
Everything I see.
Is it the sky that makes me smile as I walk
Is it the cool air pushing into my lungs
Is it the thought of wrapping up in warm
Blankets and scarves and long sleeves
Maybe it is the thought that a new year is approaching
Maybe it is the sun that I know hides behind
The clouds and whispers softly in my ears
Translated by the wind in the trees.
Oct 6, 2009
Bends phrases to move and flow with ease
Erases the memories she dares not keep
And finds nothing left but sweet and sour pieces
Bends her mind to fit the mold
Bends her heart to keep it safe
She feels the pain of emptiness and weeps
Tears heavy loaded with fine white powder and blood
Empty sorrow and empty eyes
She searches for a place to hide her hate
She wants to erase herself so
She bends her body to become invisible
And in the mold she fits so well
Perfectly angled and empty inside
Her face a canvas for it to paint
And with that she thinks she may survive
Her fears devour the hope she has
And once again she finds a way
To numb and run and fight and win
The battle with her mind- a loss
Broken down, she kneels
Sick and twisting with the pain
Stabbing, rushing, burns and aches
Crawls underneath her bed and hides
From the beam of sunlight entering through the blinds.
Sep 24, 2009
My thoughts contain you as
Petals contain and protect a stamen
I commence to walk with you in dreams
Hand in hand across the sand and skies
Above us fill with alto-cumulus clouds
The heat from the sun barely rivals
The heat between our hands’ embrace
Smiles sweet and soothing are captured
From our lips and imprinted on our souls
You are never far from my heart
And I am with you when you feel alone
I hear you cry out softly from your pillow
And rush to comfort your tormented sleep
Like waves filling a whole in the sand
When it has been opened by tiny hand or foot
Your eyes the blue of freshly fed lakes
They reach for me and hold my own gently
As you pause from a progression of kisses
A dance of two dandelion parachutes entangled
Aug 2, 2009
Home to my sunshine and heat
Home to mornings with dulcet
Birds and sprinklers and faint breezes.
Carry me home to my pale blue
Sheets and pale blue ocean coastlines
That turn into deep blue dreams
Dreams and sun kissed skin and ice cream
Carry me home to the scent of
Oranges and smoke and sea breeze
The scent of a man just back from work
And holding me close to his heart.
Carry me home to stay with you.
Their rhythmic cadence beckoning me to
Leave my solitude and join them in
Their dance welcoming the new moon.
My silent, motionless upright pose
Held still despite the sensual distraction
Waves upon shores and raindrops gently
Massaging my peacefully resting shoulders.
I feel a growing yearning for
A walk under a deep blue sky
Artfully strewn stars floating like diamonds
In a new moon sewn, umbrella spider web.
Epic dances for evolving constellations
Their steps passing thoughts in my unconscious
Before me contemplated and after as well
These astrological miracles we see in the sky.
Jul 15, 2009
Nothing but the sound of wind and water
Elements of the origin I suppose
It whispers to me with its gentle tongue
Come in come in the peaceful resting water
No crashing, no turbulence, no peaks
The waves are resting their souls
Centered and serene, I step forward
Feet sink into the wet sand a little deeper
My heart slows to a state of calm
Oh how the tides bring me back
Again and again. Standing on the edge
Of this piece of land and that vast ocean
Cheeks warmed by the sun, feet cooled by the water
My peaceful, quiet place, my escape, my daydream.
Jul 8, 2009
Walking towards a center which is hard to find
Not looking back- for once it is found
A new path out and homeward bound
Every truth discovered behind a closed door
Leads me smiling in search of more and more
Menageries chronicle battles won and lost
Wire wrapped in roses and shrubs tipped in frost
Long past but never forgotten or dismissed
Places, people, faces that appear in the mist
I lose myself while I revisit my fears
Oh how I hid them for all of these years
Traveling deep into my stifled emotions
The labyrinth is beginning to feel more like an ocean
Just when I’m beginning to think I will drown
Strength from above scoops me up and sets me on dry ground
The center, naked and strong, may be just out of sight
But for now I am bathing in its radiating light.
I have inverted
Crawled inside myself
I live in rooms where
There is no sound
Save for my breath
And my heart beat
Teasing me menacingly
I have drawn back
From the laughter
And the smiles
From the outside
I am blank
I am a robot
I go through the motions
So they say and
I live each day
In wondering state
Will I wake up
From this sleep
Or is it my fate?
Jun 30, 2009
Draw lines before I know
What I am creating
Pencil to paper in the
Usual nonchalant style
My thoughts swirling
Like water rippling
Amidst a lake serene
Tip brushing paper lightly
Grey dust scatters slightly
Figures appear and they
Are dancing in time
To their own silent waltz
A scene from a dream
Or a movie I once saw
These dancers are
Unknown to me but
They know each other well
And that is perfection.
Jun 29, 2009
Jun 26, 2009
Where nothing was really what it seemed
There were chairs made from soft serve cream
And each day and night was torn at the seams.
You rose up from midnight waters
A modern day Poseidon to hopeful daughters
I thought this to be poetic fodder
My cheek your lips did make much hotter.
We danced a dance of celestial kings
And spoke of philosophical things
Your voice a smooth bravado with wings
Around you-an assembly of angels who sing.
My dress had folds of artichoke leaves
And jewels begotten by wayward thieves
And when we chose this place to leave
Ascended to the sky riding on a breeze.
The sea an endless rhythm driven by the moon
Darkness and circumstance it has never known
It lulls me from this dreaming home
And caresses me with its wave formed foam.
Jun 24, 2009
Peaceful and still
Yogic pose held intently
Breathe in and out
Quite content to stay
Here for a while
And I choose not to
Close my eyes
Focus on the tiny dots
In the panel
Above my head
Float by but
Do not stop to bother
Me instead they
Pass without a pause
Breathe in and fill
My open belly, lungs,
Nourish cells with
Air I concentrate
On the air and
Jun 20, 2009
When my heart
And my mind
Are able to
Will they converse
Or will they
And in what time
I ponder their
Why is there such
Toil to a descent
I ponder what things
They may have
Do they remember
Ever a time
When they both
Let some love in?
My heart and
My head can
And if so
Will a new life
For me emerge
Will I appear
Renewed and refreshed
Or war torn
From the battle
And hair all a mess
And face striped
Or will I
Smile ear to ear.
Jun 16, 2009
Of where I am supposed to be
Opening my eyes as wide as I can
But it only makes things more unclear
In the darkness between you and me.
Where is the guiding star
To help me find my way?
Supposed to have found it by now
How am I so confused
I search for clarity by day?
Am I looking too hard for something
That is right in front of me?
Is it right here in my hands
Or slipping from a tight grasp
Though I am trying so desperately.
For I seek to find love and
The peace that is divine
The thing that is intangible
It is the breath of life-
Calming even the most turbulent mind.
In a quest to find the one
Whose hands will hold my heart,
Whose smile is the compliment to mine.
At the moment I find it I believe
My destiny will surely start.
But this search has made me weary
My eyes are in need of rest,
Mind tired of the race to find
The sign, the one, the star
And the end point of the quest.
In the simplest of dreams
We are walking hand in hand
Along a breezy shoreline
With no space between our souls
And no need to understand.
Is this dream the one thing
That could be my guiding star?
My sign that I need search no more
For in this dream I find my peace
Where ever it is you are...
Blue, pink, purple, green.
Colors of flowers unpicked
They float up past me
Past the cloud I float upon.
Dancing in the breeze
And ribbons dangling below
Twisting and spinning
Are they joyous
To be free like me?
My head is light on my body now.
Curious thoughts have brought me
To this place.
How do these clouds not drop
Their tiny tears and just let go?
The moist soft featherweight air
Blankets, comforts, frees my soul.
Balloons pop through like
Tiny faces in peephole windows.
Are the balloons home?
Is this their final destination?
They may be just like us,
Given birth at random points
Of excitement and love.
Some set free immediately,
Some wait and die slowly
With those who love them dearly.
And in the end
We all yearn to be here
In the clouds
Floating, dancing, joyous.
Have I left home
And traveled somehow to
A place I never knew?
Have I awakened
Here next to you?
Opened my eyes
And didn't realize.
Or am I still in slumber?
Dreaming of this day
My body lies
While my soul flies.
The sun is radiating
Warmth and light from above
Brings about a pair of spider-web wings
As I dream of saccharine things.
A dream of love
That centers my mind.
My wings are strong
So as my heart deep in song.
What dream is this?
That has brought to me
Peace and hope aligned
Within the eyes I wake to find.
Jun 10, 2009
I lie here staring from the corner
Of my eyes at the window in my
Really quite comfortable bed
Just the right warmth
Blankets enveloping me.
It should not be so hard to sleep.
My mind is alert, though
My eyes are mad at me
For opening them too soon.
They sting and my lashes are heavy.
I know I am excited for
I would not be in this state if
I was not in anticipation of wings.
In anticipation of wings
I have grown restless and wiggle
In my bed and my skin
And in my brain.
So excited to fly.
So excited to be free.
So, I toss and turn and
Am too awake to sleep.
All in anticipation of wings.
Jun 9, 2009
Horn rimmed with silver shiny excitement
A new kind of heat radiating now
From that spot I had begun to think
Had grown cold and given up
So excited though I don't know
If he feels the same. Wonder-
Was that a look of amalgamation
Or just a bit of sheer confusion?
Knew how to push the surface buttons
To make me want to play along
And I in a fit of renewed flirtation
I think I remember the tune of this song.
I stare too long with bedroom eyes
Until he breaks and looks away
A look from him to rival mine
Would surely be the end of something
Or possibly the start, could be...
Is it a symmetrical attraction?
Both waiting for one to make a move
Our playful, childlike interaction
Comes close to mimicry of animalistic games
Unsatisfied now I am somewhat confused
For as I walk away distracted
The words stuck in my throat, I wonder
Is he is a similar state of aspiration
Or am I fighting a bit of delusion?
Even in the most prim of situations
For her plastic smile and other things
Gave away her scheming plot
And unveiled her desire
For the most materialistic winnings.
Misguided aggression forced inward
Tiny blade against forced taut skin
Tiny pills down her throat
To have the tiny waist
To fit the dress
That everyone is wearing this season.
Tears stream down in bathroom stalls
When houses are empty long after
Her picture perfect man has forgotten
His little princess bride at home.
Run, tan, lacquer, smile.
Jun 4, 2009
Days filled with gliding motions
Around the tiny house
Back and forth
Feet shuffle, walker squeaks
Constant hum and tiny voices in her head
She answers them
I am sure
Always waiting, always hoping
Thought we'd get some company today
Looks out the window again
No one there again
Jun 2, 2009
Like white powder but without the name.
Legs and finger move on their own
Racing until I am safe at home.
Does this come from just inside?
Where is my safe place to hide?
Feels like I could hurt someone
It ruins me, I come undone.
Skin is itching and hair pulled out,
I wonder what it is all about.
Anger at myself runs deep
For promises I failed to keep.
All this force is such a waste
Turned inside with hateful haste.
No chance of sleep or peaceful dreaming
Erratic thoughts are constantly streaming.
Head feels heavy, body light
Where did I lose control tonight?
May 28, 2009
Flies to the light
But your force is so bright.
Wings turn to dust
At the grasp of the moth
Strength is expressed
Push my face to the cloth.
Black and red silk
Surrounds my nude form
Pain in my wrists
While I writhe in this storm.
Loving each minute
As you give the orders
Neck shrinks in hands
My breath becomes shorter.
Darkness a mask
For our sinister game
Love and hate sometimes
Are one in the same.
May 19, 2009
Her hips a twisting washing machine drum.
She cannot know her machines workings
They draw from him an automatic reaction
His switch flipped up and
His body turned on
He finds this electric current flowing
Ands he joins in the connection.
He wraps his arms in sudden yearning
Around this mechanical seductress
How has she brought out this robot
With her false misleading direction.
An empty robot with perfect proportions
Her shell the only tool of seduction.
Connections lost once filled by erection
And once again she heads out for completion.
Her hips twist like a washing machine drum.
These mechanical movements draw the eyes.
Water streaming down the backs of legs in the shower.
Rhymes, rhythm, verses run out like
Children fly out onto the playground after class.
This is my craft, my wood I am carving
It's molded in my mind like clay shaped by my fingers.
Words shift and dance and play among my thoughts
Tumble onto paper and keyboard and appear in front of me
As if they were brought there by magic.
Passionate words come out quick and sharp
Like breath when fists hit chests,
Forced forward by no choice of the owner
And drawn back but not completely, not mine anymore.
Each line a string from my heart drawn out
And curved and sewn into a fabric of unknown design.
My words are my dreams, my life, my memories
They choose me, I do not own them any more than
A songbird owns its song or a chameleon owns its color.
My words are little rivers given to me to release
And let flow out into the world to refresh and restore.
May 7, 2009
The world would be a sea of green and glass
Walls built up by differences would not last
Blown in the wind, as memories of the past.
And every time the rain fell to the earth
We all would equally embrace its worth
For it would be our vital nourishment
The water washing over in sacrament.
As each sunrise and sunset plays its part
Our waking moments signal a fresh start
Growth coming from an effort all as one
To reach the breeze that carries to us the sun.
Our lives would be combined as sand and seed
And new hope almost could be guaranteed
No discrimination and a love so vast
Because in one family we would be cast.
Apr 28, 2009
Like a million spicy kisses or
Like wasabi on my sushi
Hitting lips and stinging.
Shoulders turning pinkish brown
And heated breasts in swimsuits.
This hot day is made better
When I sink into the pool-
Like a fish returning home.
Your legs dangle in the water
Chlorine keeps it clear enough
Like doctored toxic liquid.
Not blue but the sun hits it
And creates rippling of light color.
Splashes make tiny waves
And they’re tickling my ribs.
I am not all the way in-
It's cold against my belly
An awakening of my senses.
Kids jumping in lines, holding hands,
No fear of the brisk deeper water.
Screams and shrieks fill the air,
Wish it would be still but there’s
No stopping the commotion.
I know it's the joy of the sun
On this day, this time of year,
Heat on an almost-summer day.
Women in rows on lounge chairs
Like newborn chicks waiting for worms.
Silent fights over the best angle
Keep their conversation distant.
Sunning shoulders, cheeks and tops
Of feet and thighs, lying on towels
Like floating on magic carpets.
They hope for something magic while
Their kids are dancing happy.
Hot Day, I in the water wading.
You on the side of the pool smiling.
And we soak up midday sun.
Apr 27, 2009
They fall from my knee,
the palm of my hand.
Red roses fall in bunches
hit the ground
and I pluck them up.
Gather them into a bouquet
and hand them to you.
A gift, red roses,
life flowing out of me,
pooling, cooling instantly.
Beautiful but dead immediately.
Forced to leave quickly,
as skin opens up like
a tiny crack,
a doorway to my heart.
Here are your red roses,
I hope you enjoy them
before they crumble.
Apr 23, 2009
Unafraid of big black rubber and metal.
They arch their backs in perfect-formed yoga poses.
They sun themselves with no concern
For skin cancer or wrinkles.
Eat crawling insects and
Chomp wings with invisible teeth.
Their eyes closed tight and tails gone limp.
Not a concern in the world but
The passing of an unexpected cloud.
These tiny majestic rough skinned lizards,
Their moment of peace a dream of mine.
Apr 21, 2009
Not thought of in high regard.
Sometimes even hated.
I am the subject of scary movies and
Nightmares of one kind or another.
I scavenge and search for a place
In a world full of color and beauty.
My face is not so different
Yet it is not noticed against
A backdrop of sky.
You look up and see me
Turn your face away as if
Disgusted by my presence.
I do not ask anything more of you
Than any other yet
You seem so annoyed.
Why is this
Such a sad state of life for me?
Why care what you think?
If only you could see the beauty underneath
I am a crow, I fly
and you walk.
Apr 13, 2009
While hiking with my daughter
As I watch her footsteps
More carefully than my own.
Listen to her shoes against
Gravel, sand, grass, and mud.
Streams crossed carelessly
Like a balance beam, while I
Hold my breath and pray for
She pounds her walking stick in play,
I am grateful it will scare away
My inner thoughts disguised by
Approving words and praise at
How easily she makes the climb.
This fearless adventurer child,
With mother behind her
Arms and body bracing
Just in case.
Apr 7, 2009
The winds bring melancholy
Twist my thoughts and turn them into a paper airplane
They are sailing away and I grab the tail.
I am forced to ride but
Find I am not afraid.
The wind does not look back
The wind knows where it is going.
It has never been wrong
Though man's dreams have gotten in its way.
I let the wind lift me and am enlightened
Light as a feather floating amongst the clouds
Riding the blueprints carried by the wind.
Apr 4, 2009
Reflection in a stained glass window
Distorted, broken into fragments
And made beautiful with color and light.
Image of an angel and a baby
With my eyes and hands and arms mixed in.
Do you see me through the glass?
Can you see me looking at myself-
From the other side of the window?
I see you staring up at me
And the angel and the baby, we
Are as one for just this minute.
We are beautiful mixed together.
Do not separate the colors,
Do not pull us apart.
My reflection in the stained glass window
Is who I see myself to be-
Angel, child, and woman bathed in light.
Apr 2, 2009
Reflected so clearly when I hold her tight.
She knows she is safe within arm’s reach,
And looks to me in the moments I teach.
I see my strength when I walk through a new door
Never stop moving forward or wanting more.
I find strength in a desire to learn new things
And the freedom that knowledge and wisdom can bring.
I see my strength in the soles of my shoes,
Worn down from running and miles of use.
I run to release whatever is inside
And I run to feel the power in my stride.
I see my strength in the friends that I keep
And the happiness and love that sings us to sleep.
We find strength in laughing with an open heart
And it stays with us always, even where we’re apart.
I see my strength in the love I pour out
For the strongest of men know that’s what life is about.
Love is the strongest of ties, we all know
And the truth about love is that it makes us glow.
He wipes it away and sighs-
Wish we had A.C.
Glancing through the blinds,
Spider on the other side--
Seems without a web.
Locked out of the house
I am standing here naked
Now I am in trouble.
Five small butterflies
Spin silently above me—
I am still awake.
Mar 28, 2009
I'd think they would burst when pressed against my own.
Skin like cream and butter in a heated pan on the stove.
Puts a smile upon my face,
When I thought the world would swallow me whole.
I can't help but dance here and I'd like to call this home.
Every sentence is completed
By thought crossed inside our minds.
No need for words or sound, it's all given with the eyes.
I have no secrets, nothing hidden
I couldn't hide it if I tried.
Every smile, every tear, every ache
No need for pride.
Arms wrap around my shoulders
I feel safe and warm and loved
And the breath I hear inside, it
Matches rhythms in my head.
It's the sound of comfort and acceptance
It's the hold-together thread.
Two twin stars, had to cross paths somewhere
And we decided to stick instead.
Mar 17, 2009
Fell off the shelf and have never been the same
Pull my strings and you may not like what you hear
Don't know what you'll get but it may not be what I mean.
Have one eye that never closes
Always watching out and
One that drifts back to far off places
In my mind, my imagination still works overtime.
Lashes stick out. Liner drawn on like cat eyes.
Far too dramatic really, but it makes me look so pretty.
Lips a perfect shade of red, a shiny lacquer.
How do they think this fits my baby’s body, I don't know.
But my arms move about like open hugs,
I bend in the right places.
And my legs hold me up, never fail me when I run.
My heart drawn crimson on my pretty little dress,
If only you knew I really do wear it for all to see.
Hold me in your arms
And I am yours forever.
But I am a broken doll
So be careful with me please.
Feb 19, 2009
Down the milky white sky that is her skin.
Into the ocean that is my heart-
My heart- that poured out for her before.
Now filled with soot, black and brown like highway dirt,
Ashes of a love that burnt itself out in an empty space
When she could not love back.
Too much pain to feel good she said.
It's too bad now that these stars fall alone.
Mine have all disappeared, dried up
Gone far before she could ever catch them.
They fell onto countertops piled with old love letters
Photographs, and notes scribbled on scraps of envelopes.
I sit watching tiny shooting stars fall from black brown eyes.
Her hair frames that white sky, a wet limp drapery.
The same hair that once fell across my face
And I would blow softly to make it float up.
Laughter now swept away and saddened breath put in its place.
How desolate this garden feels as this plays out
Already determined to shrink back what surrounds us to a tiny speck.
Turning it into a black hole, her and I sitting at the bottom,
I look up to catch a glimpse of light,
She folds into herself and floats away.
Feb 10, 2009
Ruby red smeared on my lips,
Juice from the pomegranate.
Spit seeds to the side.
Fingers dyed crimson,
Skin torn hastily
From it's head.
Pink dripping down my chin,
Juice from the pomegranate.
Handful of bitter sweet fruit.
White guts ripped
To get to the heart
It's already dead.
Seems like a child's work,
Searching for the little beads.
Ripened by the sun and rain.
Opened by my selfish hands,
No chance to be reborn again.
Life of the pomegranate.
Dropped from bushes
Cracked by birds
Or just the hardened soil.
Spill forth from waste,
Or rotting flesh.
Seeds spread out
Across the land.
Little beads of life
May dig again.
Birth of a pomegranate.
Feb 8, 2009
The schoolyard is empty
I swing and sway fit snugly between the chains holding me
Soar high above the sand, lost in memories and wishes.
Look around at the playground, slowly filling with people
How it resembles the bar, when you think about it
Two here, four there, I swing
Alone. Trying to fly up and away
I jump off, land, thud. In the sand
Look around for a quick escape but
The girls see me and sneer, turn to each other and whisper
I avert my eyes. And catch his
He smiles a yellow, smoky grin
I head with purpose
Out past the people who are all looking at me now, are they?
Fast to my car
I am leaving the playground alone again.