Dreams Interrupted

Gone

2011-10-18T16:40:00.000-07:00

Wet, autumn air smells of you
for a moment
I forget.
The silence after your constant
chatter halts me,
I remember again
your absence.

You haunted me all day
to punish
or exonerate
Loss, like sadness,
but more penetrating,
reminiscent of past sadness.
Self induced confusion:
freedom from burden
often feels cumbersome
I assume at least at first.

It wasn't your fault
you were that way all along,
it was in the reaction that
sent you away
and you are gone now.
My tears replace your voice.

Meditation

2011-07-14T11:40:00.000-07:00

Cross legged
I chant Om,
underneath the elephant’s foot,
silenced by the presence
of a revelation.
Summer drips all around me,
but this grey weight
shields me from the rain.
My heavy, ominous umbrella.

I contemplate to run-
to stand up, stretch, be free.
My elephant remains strong
anticipating movement
beneath his toes.
Weight looming
like an uneasy secret.

Here I must meditate,
here I seek the peace
of salvation.

The Exploration of a Familiar Sky

2011-06-09T21:12:00.000-07:00

She maps the constellations
of his skin, discovering triangles,
one dipper against a tan sky.
An arm to any other
may not be this exquisite.

It is not the warmth of the arm
wrapped so tightly around
waist or ribs, nor the way
in which it cradles
her peacefully resting head,
not the strength
held within trained muscle.

Her eyelashes dance
along it’s curve, lips
follow, exploring inch by inch.
If only he could feel
the depth of love
her lips tenderly press
against his skin. Constellations
traced with half closed eyes.

The stars of this world
rival the darkest night’s
distant lights. Her fingers
find the smallest points,
graze each one, counting
how far they’ve come
to meet her here.

Making Peace With Screams

2011-06-03T20:46:00.000-07:00

Stuffing myself
to quiet the screaming
I consume
a more painful noise,
knowing it will
momentarily ease
the ache in my ears,
I run to my release,
flushing it all
brings silence.

When everything becomes
a single yell that begs
to be let out, I realize
it is the silence that I seek
that will kill me.

My secret leaks
through the closed door
to the ears of disbelievers.
Though it is
an endless echo
in my head, I find
no one willing
to decipher its source.

Left alone
to dull the sounds,
the silence persistently calls
my name, I have to stop
my self destruction,
learn to live
in a world of screams.

A Daughter's Burden

2011-05-03T21:00:00.000-07:00

I am
condemned
by the meaning that he gave
to my name.
Linking me forever to my father’s past,
my father’s actions,
opinions.
My nature is like any daughter’s,
Daddy’s Little Girl.
Yet he blames me for being the daughter
I have become.
I freed my father
from similar condemnation
but he is the one who gave me the key
to gates so grand.
What daughter wouldn’t
set her daddy free?

My name strikes fear
in new mother’s ears,
as they pray
for new life’s purity.
My name alone conjures
punishment, repentance,
hopes of forgiveness.
Daddy named me Sin
and all it meant to me was daughter.
My condemner made it famous.
Its meaning sits
so heavy on my shoulders.

Sonnet for an Unexpected Love

2011-02-03T20:24:00.000-08:00

With you and you alone I am set free
If others feel the same I dare not ask
Another love I shall not plan to seek
The thought of losing you, a loathsome task
It is in your sole arms that I am home
How our paths never crossed, I only guess
Vulnerable: a side I’ve never shown
When in your open palm my heart I press

You hold me even when I am not near
I dance for you behind closed bedroom doors
In dreams your image is the one most clear
And I pray every night to see one more

It sounds cliché but you’re my wish come true
So I am hopelessly in love with you

Vision

2010-12-09T19:22:00.000-08:00

I See

A Native American child with
braids swinging behind her back
like weaved river’s cold water running
walking empty handed, in a land
that is not her own.
A culture lost lives in the lowest place.
She begs for acknowledgement
like a dog under the table with no name.
Dark skin and open eyes:
the opposite of your own.

Lost Time

2010-12-09T19:16:00.000-08:00

Obsolete cassette tape:
Dated 1986 in black marker.
Laughter recorded by mistake,
Thanksgiving dinner conversation.
Snapshot of a suburban,
American family
in sound form.

My parents were still married.
My grandparents were still alive.

The tape holds onto a past
that has long left my fingers.
Grandpa gone in ‘93.
Grandma: this past February.
Mom and Dad parted even before
the following year’s dinner.
A family scattered like bits of sound.

The contents of the tape remain,
buried in a box in a garage somewhere
but the life is lost with time.

Senseless

2010-11-16T20:09:00.000-08:00

What a tragic revelation
to know of nothing
that can make you feel.
I'd rather, as I tend to do,
feel everything as individual
snowflakes on my shoulders
after hours in the sun:
precise, crisp. Sometimes
burning, sometimes soothing;
always felt.

The Sickness

2010-11-15T21:49:00.000-08:00

You feed upon my curves-
your hands devouring them fluidly.
Last night’s chocolate lava cake
has nothing on me.
Yet still my eyes feast upon
her bones-the epitome
of my desire:
to have no curves at all.

I eat up leftovers.
She has nothing left over.
Her skin draws lines that mimic
the seams of skinny jeans.
Would I fulfill your hunger,
were I to fit those seams?
Or is my empty stomach
the opposite of your dessert?

Still Life

2010-11-06T08:31:00.000-07:00

They gather around her like
ants on a dropped piece of sucker or
flies on hamburgers left on a picnic table.
Her eyes red and bloated,
from tears forcing their way out.
Tears that pushed like people in line for autographs.

She sucked in air in quick chunks,
careful to tilt her face just so
that snot didn’t hit her upper lip
and she looked up into their faces
and they frowned like they cared.

But really,
they just wanted
a story to tell later,
about a girl
sobbing into her magazine while
sitting in the park,
like a side show or zoo exhibit.

Time

2010-07-16T17:08:00.000-07:00

Time passes so quickly like a night’s dreams
5 months go by
Days turn to nights turn to days again
And it’s gone
Memories are blurred and combined with
Memories of other days and
They’re gone sometimes
If they’re too hard on my heart to remember
Seems like yesterday that I was
Holding her frail, soft, weathered hands
Cutting away at her old woman nails
And brushing her teeth gently.
Seems like yesterday I was signing my name into the book
And walking down the hall
Hearing the wails and mumblings of the residents
In the rooms around her
Seems like time has flown by but sometimes
In the night
It seems like a snail moving across a crowded highway
And I wish for it to hurry up
I remember
Playing as a child on the floor
With crayons and dough and pie tins and paper
Eating dinner and watching The Golden Girls
Three’s Company
Then giving her a kiss on the cheek
At my wedding
Then handing her my new baby girl
Then moving her from home to home
And now she is gone
And I just write about her and remember
And dream and
Hope to see her again
And hold her warm, loving hands
Finger nails painted a sheer pink
And see her smiling, white teeth with rouged cheeks and clean glasses.

Lies

2010-07-14T11:48:00.000-07:00

I know you’re watching through your telescopic lens
safely at a distance from the battle
that is raging inside of my mind.
I am desperately trying to gather the pieces of my heart,
a pile of shattered glass.
The castle made of cards we built
is now a mess upon my bedroom floor.
Who do you think you are to be so deceptive?
What once was a beautiful dance
twirling and choreographed inside of my stomach
is now a jar of dead butterflies
whose wings are turning to dust against each other.

You watch and cringe but reach out no hand
from your high up perch of paper and stone.
You’ve thrown down the tools that broke down
this palace that we built with dreams and cards
but these tools cannot rebuild my world.
No thank you for your lies
I do not accept them.
Your so called love has brought to me
all this pain, this shattered heart, this mess upon my floor
now bathed in tears and sweat and glass.

Wandering

2010-07-03T12:09:00.001-07:00

I was looking for my muse
And I found it down the barrel of a 9mm pistol
And I found it whirling down the drain with the suds from my hand soap
And I found it whistling a tune while I did the dishes.
I was wishing for the words
And I found them in your eyes
And I found them in your strong, loving arms
And I found them dancing around with my memories
But I see the words in the sight of the 9mm
And I see them in the dirt that I am washing away
And in the pit of my stomach with my dinner and red wine.
And the words and my muse are sometimes one in the same
And they are angry and cold and tired and lying
Sometimes they are lonely and filled with sad memories and regrets
Sometimes they are filled with disgrace but sometimes
They are hopeful and happy and loving and excited
Dreamy, whimsical, and sometimes
They come at you like a bullet or a kiss.

Truth

2010-06-09T16:11:00.000-07:00

My life is filled with reminders of you.
Your smile sits on the inside of my eyelids so
I see you every time I blink.
You are the dream I left behind in a fit of restlessness.
You gave me a reason to keep my heart open but I closed it long ago.
I walk to the sound of our hearts tangled rhythm,
Though yours has grown fainter over time.
I wonder if your heart meets mine in dreams.
I wonder if you think of me when time allows for a pause.
I wonder if yours eyes see my smile when closed in moments of peace.
Reminders of you come in scents and songs,
They flow like water over flower petals during the passing day.
I find you in my memories and wish silently on stars for more.
Do you wish for me too when no one is listening but the stars and moon?
Do your steps match mine when you dance to music in your head?
Do you wish for the past and the future mixed like fruit and cream?

The Beginning: Fiction Part 1

2010-05-23T12:25:00.000-07:00

Jack
It is 7:00am, I hear the girls laughing as they ask Grace for breakfast. “Grapefruit, Grandma, with sugar sprinkled on top!” says Katie, and Jessie, “I want cinnamon rolls, Grandma!” They’re getting ready for school and having breakfast as I am getting dressed in our room. Steve has to drop them off so early to go to work, but I don’t mind. I’m Grandpa, the chauffeur extraordinaire. I walk out to the dining room to see two beautiful faces smiling as Grace pours them milk and orange juice. I sit down at the head of the table to a plate of buttered toast and a glass of grape fruit juice. But, it is only a dream, I lie awake in bed, eyes squeezing shut to try to get it back for just a minute. The girls are grown, old man, they’re in their twenties now with children of their own. Grace is gone. I roll to the edge of the bed, stand up, and get dressed: grey cotton slacks, soft and thin blue undershirt, suspenders, and my fedora. Looks good enough for me.
So this is what my life has come to, walking every morning to the diner with the Signal in hand. My one leg straining and aided by the old wooden cane whose worn handle knob is smooth and kind to my hand. At least it seems my breathing has gotten easier. Nothing new today; boys and girls meander to school hesitantly and I wish I could tell them to enjoy it while they’re young.
My tall glass of milk is perspiring and the paper underneath has a growing wet ring outlining the glass. The paper tells me of transgressions by my favorite sports heroes, has no one got a conscience anymore? “Would you like some more milk sir? Maybe a muffin, we have Bran, your favorite…” the waitress asks me as I peruse the paper’s dismal news. “Yes, that sounds nice, thank you,” I answer her. Bran muffins have always been my favorite, best when fresh out of the oven after Grace and the grand kids baked them. Oh, the grand kids, they’re so grown up now. They’ve made lives for themselves that are so rich and full, I wish Grace could see them as I do. They are so busy all of the time.
Two booths over a young man and his girl are playing hooky from school. Those days seem like just yesterday to me. Grace was still in high school when we met and fell in love, so beautiful and fresh faced. Summer went by so fast and we stole moments whenever we could, she surely missed a lot of morning class time then. She was so beautiful, brown thick hair, smooth skin, and oh how she could dance.
The boy has gotten up and moved to the side of the booth that the girl is on, bold move. They both face me and are laughing and talking. The boy squeezes his face against the girl’s neck and she glances up at me. My smile says, “Go on, enjoy it, I won’t look.” Back to my paper now, reminiscing can only take me so far.

Grace
“Jack, is that you? Are you there?” Just the day staff walking by the room’s door again, I guess. The home is bustling and workers are cleaning, old women wail and moan and snore all around me. I thought I saw Jack just now, but it was probably just my imagination. This bed is so uncomfortable, if only someone would put some more pillows beneath me. I wonder if Jack is watching me now, if he is trying to pull me to him. Pull me into his arms and dance like we used to, kiss my forehead and tell me how beautiful I am. He’s been out of my life for so long now, although I can still hear his voice and see his smiling face and whiskers.
Again, Jack’s face appears in the doorway as if beckoning me to join him on the other side of the threshold. He is asking for me to have breakfast with him, a game is on later, too. He wants to watch it with me. Football is just not the same now that he is gone, hasn’t been for years. We would watch it faithfully, sometimes with the kids, sometimes alone. Even the sounds of the games being on in the background were the best thing when I was working in the kitchen. It was so soothing, so familiar. It must be how heaven is; watching games, having endless breakfast and leisurely afternoons. Jack must be breathing well there; he must be enjoying the outdoors again. The sounds of the neighborhood probably pour through the house’s windows like a constant humming breeze.
I lie here, uncomfortable, intermittently hot and cold, while the woman next to me talks gibberish and the women down the hall is calling again for the “lady” to come give her a drink. How do they not answer her just to make her be quiet? Jack would handle this for me, if he were still here.

Jack
My milk is gone and my breakfast eaten, the paper is read save for my favorite part that only comes on Sundays. The Funnies, the laughter slipped into my morning and the link between my granddaughters and me. The girls lived down the street as children and always loved coming up to our house and reading the Funnies. Their smiles would brighten any room, I was so lucky to be such a part of their lives when they were of formidable age. Their children will find other things for amusement, with the Internet and so much television dominating their young lives. So many memories of the kids fill my mind, I wonder if they remember, too. Building sand castles, playing in the turtle pool on hot days, creating detailed cities in the grass with sticks off the tree; these play times flood back like yesterday happenings.
I decide to take a walk and give a quick nod to the couple. The girl smiles coyly and quickly turns her attention to her fawning beau. I catch my reflection in the window’s glass, boy, is that a scary sight! Time has not been kind to my skin; it droops like an old shirt here and there. Years in the sun as a lifeguard, soldier, and doting grandfather have left me tanned and wrinkled-but smiling nonetheless. I know the girls always loved to examine my rough hands, all the shades of skin on my arms, and my peppered beard and mustache. (They were also quite fond of my big Santa Claus belly.) Funny how after years of being fit it can all turn soft and go to the middle.
Any how, where shall I head today? Maybe I’ll head home and visit with the neighbors; they’re always out doing something or other in the yard. The house doesn’t call to me as it did when Grace was inside, so there is no need to rush home now. My pace is slow and steady and my eyes bounce from one side of the road to the other. A mother is pushing a baby carriage, pink. A few young boys carry gloves and bats and a ball. I see the mailman heading towards my neighborhood, on time as always. “Shouldn’t all the kids be in school by now?” I ask him as he pulls up next to me in his truck. “I guess some of the schools are off today…” he replies and nods as he drives on and heads to the next few houses.

Grace
I’m hungry. My hands shake so much I can barely get my food to my mouth. I’m so lucky to have my family around to help sometimes but when they are not here it’s hell to get it all in. They feed me and laugh when they get food on my chin. Who would have ever thought my grand kids would be feeding me? I sure as hell never did. I never knew I could be so helpless, just like an infant. I am trapped here in this bed, in this used up and tired body, in my mind some days. Jack pops in and out and reminds me that I lived such a full life. I have raised four children, watched them grow and was surrounded by their friends and then their children. I’ve been so lucky to watch my family grow and grow. I think John came to visit and brought a Christmas tree. The holidays have always been my favorite time of year. (Maybe it’s also because I get to celebrate my birthday, too.) The kids looked at me kind of funny when I say John was here, I wonder why that is. I saw him clearly; he was so much like Jack in his face and hands. Just like Steve, too. Those boys both look so much like their father; they even have his round tummy. When I hold Steve’s hand I see Jack’s and feel Jack’s hand if I close my eyes; the big strong fingers and rough palms with soft, thin skin on top.
The ladies who work here tell me how beautiful my grandchildren are. I agree, they’ve grown so much and my great grand kids are even cuter. I tell them that I’ve got grand kids and great grand kids all up the coast and across the US. They act impressed but maybe it is just because they miss their own children. Sometimes it seems like they never go home, there is always someone poking at me or asking me how I am doing. I use the down time to think about Jack and I back in Chicago and the start of our life together.
Summer days in Chicago were balmy and too hot to ever cool off completely. I spent my days at the lake with my girl friends; we would ride the train into the city and head to the water each morning. Our swimsuits covered much more skin then, you know, left more to the imagination. There were dances then, at least a few times a week. We could walk everywhere then and I would dance all evening and walk all the way home with no fear. Not like today, everyone is crazy nowadays. I met Jack at a dance, I was just fifteen. He took me to movies, just thirty five cents back then to go to the movies; can you believe it? Jack was a lifeguard and he was older than me. I’d watch him swim with broad, strong strokes when he would step down to cool off. He was so tan and so handsome. You know, no one falls in love so young anymore but we made it work, we did. He told me he knew I was the one; I was sixteen when he proposed. There was no question he was the one for me. We walked everywhere because neither of us had a car, but we didn’t care. As long as we were together we were happy.
Jessie is having a baby now. Three generations past our own! We’re finally going to have a boy in the family and in California, Jack would be so proud. I’m sure he sees her growing belly from up above but I wish he could be here to congratulate her. He’s missed the births of too many great grandchildren. She’s so close too, like Kate. So close, but he is so far away, at least to them. He’s here with me, a faint shimmer to his skin as if he flew through morning mist and appeared at my window.

Jack
Grace’s face appears and fades away with the afternoon sun’s rays on the carpet. I feel as if our worlds are mixed up like stirred coffee and cream. Sometimes I wonder if she sees me or hears me when I talk to her. It probably looks so funny when I am talking to no one but I want her to hear my voice if she can. I tell her I’ll see her soon and that I miss her so much. I tell her that I see her like she was as a young mother, vibrant and so full of life. She inherited her mother’s vivacious attitude and her father’s love of nature. She had such a green thumb and just loved being out in the yard, working on the bushes and flowers everyday.
It seems like these last few days she has been around more and more. I wonder if things are going to change for me. I wonder if I will be with her again soon. Is Heaven ready for me?

Grace
I’ve grown so tired these last few days. I feel like time is going by so slowly and I hear more and more of Jack’s voice. I hear his prayers now, even when I do not see his face as much. Sometimes I think I am always eluding him. I told Kate the other day that I thought he was around when she was here. I was surprised to hear her say that she was glad, that she hopes it is him. I told her that he was angry with me for always being a few steps ahead of him, out of his grasp. I sent him away with my words, told him to stop pestering me and let me sleep. I think she thinks I am pretty funny, but I know she understands why he would be here. I know it’s about my time to go.
My sister’s life went down this path; it looks familiar because I remember her walking it. She just stopped eating and started sleeping all the time. And now I am, too. And I know that I have to go soon. I think it’s time to tell Jack I am coming home to him. I’ve got to let go.
The nurses are bringing me food but I will not eat it anymore. I have been sleeping for almost forty-eight hours now. I hear a lot more voices around me than I am used to and I see the faces of my past. Jack’s voice dominates the rest but I recognize my father, my mother, and my daughter, Dianne. Dianne was gone too soon, stolen from me. No mother should lose a daughter. I close my eyes and see them all, they’re healthy and happy and all together somehow. Will the family here know that I have gone willingly if I go now?
My breath comes in short, gasps and I try to wait as long as possible between each one. For some reason, it is easier to be still than to breathe. Is this how it is for everyone at the end? These last few weeks, months even, have been so hard for me. My body has failed me time and again and my legs have all but given up. The physical therapist here is a strong, kind hearted African American man. He was so patient with me over the past few months, but he too has finally stopped coming to get me. I guess there comes a time when one has to give in to their body and be done with movement. I feel like I have slowly reverted back to the baby I came into this world as. The women around me have tormented me with their constant babble and inconsiderate loud voices. My children have visited but not enough to make the place I am staying bearable. I have asked so many times to go home with them but I know in my heart that they cannot take me. Sometimes I say it just to show them I want to. My thoughts have been so jumbled lately, as if I cannot decipher between dreams, reality, and the television’s stories I hear all around me. I’m letting go of it all, at last.
Sleep is my savior and yet, even now I can tell my dreams are slowing. They are moving towards a clean, soft light that’s pink and white like a fading sunset. Jack’s face has become clearer and clearer and he has not left me for hours now. I can almost feel his hands holding mine, lifting me from the bed to stand and walk with him.

Dragon II

2010-04-22T22:35:00.000-07:00

My antagonistic enemy
ribbons pour forth from your lips
when you part them slowly to entice;
red, yellow, gold, and orange.
Flames of a kind but smooth and disguised.

My hedonistic dragon,
playfully batting winged hands in my direction.
Webs stretch out behind wrists
like tiny elephant ears that are needed in
directing the grand, powerful wings
hidden under your black t-shirt.
All invisible to naïve passers-by.

You know my every weakness
Even if you play that you are unaware
My sadistic punisher,
your harmful exterior only makes me want you more
and you torment me just so much.
A torture I have lust to endure.

Contemplating Distances

2010-03-14T22:16:00.000-07:00

My love for you awakens words like those of ancient prose
Ageless and circular roused
From whence my heart it flows.
Imagine the fate of Montague and Capulet,
Or better yet
Compare our love to the two
Whose love faced deepest wrath and determined fall
Two bathed in sin but still
Like we, too, are God’s children. We
Of novel obstacles but all the like
In form and hearts grown warm.
Bent from bruising glances of lookers-on
And drunken dances with fumbling hands (so wrong.)
The other kind- with pointed incarnation
Forced a cavernous interruption
Eventually tearing us apart, though without our objection.

His affections came gilded with thin gold
Yet the surface sheen dispersed upon your fingers
When he turned cold
Like meteors that travel far and refuse to die
My affection transcends his and reaches you across the sky.
Since now you are so far, like banished thought
And I here in laborious depths of distraction
Seconds away from remembering and drowning in loneliness.

I remember you now as you were so often
Your body draped over my lap like the softest mantle
Your eyes piercing the barricades of my guarded heart and
Coaxing me to hold you with Herculean strength
Our laughter permeating the air like Night Jasmine bathed in dew.

Seven am came so quickly then
And we hid from the sun like owls
In respite from the hunt
Or Midnight Candy hiding its beauty from the day.
Our evening bound in shared adventure
And days spent together
Wrapped in slumber.
Yet even as we wince at the thoughts
Those times held precious for what we have fought
Deeper than friends call friendship so vainly
We share a lifetime of unexplainable connection.

With the Red Tail

2010-02-25T16:21:00.000-08:00

I walk alone
Silence is in my head and in my ears
The sky is almost marine blue
With clouds hesitantly floating by
As if they do not want to disturb the day
A red tail hawk floats and twists and turns and dips
In the sky above me, circling nonchalantly, as if feigning disinterest
He soars on the faint breeze
Parts the air with his wing strokes intermittently
I walk and follow him
He is bringing me home I think
He is guiding me to the peace he finds at home
I follow him up the hill and towards my house
I follow his wings as if they were my breath
He brings me home and I feel at peace
I shed my skin like an adolescent snake
I spread my wings and turn my face to the clouds
I press off the ground with the balls of my feet
And I join my friend in the sky where he is waiting
And we soar and float on the breeze together.

Grandmother 2-4-10

2010-02-20T08:45:00.000-08:00

Your laughter curled up toward the sky
Even the birds danced in its sound
Your eyes lit up with each breath laughter pushed out
I remember
When I was little, when I was peaceful
I lay my head in your lap
Warmth, cushion, legs two strong pillows
Like two bear paws cradling
Your fingers delicately traced lines
On my face, my forehead, my temples
Down my nose, around my lips.
These lines burrowed deep into my soul
Even the flowing rivers of my blood
Grew calm. My breath, too.
My eyes at rest behind the lids.
This memory I hold in my heart
My heart that has always beat with yours
My heart that you read through
My eyes. My voice, too.

The days we played and
Made dough or made pictures or made
Meals that I now make with love
I sat up- on the counter top
Miniature- legs crossed and eyes watching
Your hands
Stirred the milk and butter and you broke
Squares of cheese and dropped them in
Poured this over toasted bread.
Just one cherished day, cherished recipe
Simple, soft, warm, soothing
Like you. Like a memory. Just one.

(This poem was written exactly 12 hours before the passing of my grandmother. Today is her memorial. You will always be in my heart Grandma. I love you.)

Anniversary!

2010-02-18T14:07:00.000-08:00

This month marks my one year anniversary blogging here at My Dreams Interrupted. It is surprising to think that I have been posting my thoughts through my poetry for that long. I can't wait to see how things change and how I can grow in this next year. I have gotten a running start on my journey towards my BA in Creative Writing, so I foresee myself only getting stronger and bolder in my writing. Cheers to one year!!

Snow

2010-02-03T09:59:00.000-08:00

I wish for the silence of snow
I wish for the silence of a house asleep
I wish for the only sound to be
My grandfather clock’s tick-tock
When stars and the moon are brighter than daylight
When the sun peaks out from behind distant hills
There I will breathe in the silence around me
And listen for mother earth’s soothing refrain
The silence before the swish of a bird’s wings
I wish for the silence before the crash of a wave
I wish for the silence before a tear’s release
The silence under water in an empty pool with just me
There is the place I find my heartbeat
In that silence I hear God’s voice speak
In that silence I find words to write and
There I find my peace.

Philosopher 1-26-10

2010-01-28T16:07:00.000-08:00

Early morning philosopher
Harvester of thoughts
That are at rest and waiting
In the drops of dew settled upon leaves and petals and grass
Your words pour out and move through me
Sending a soothing-or shocking-wave
Of wisdom
Poetic verse drifting into my begging ears
You’ve been blessed with a power
Solidifying dreams or vocalizing
Ungraspable ideas that often
Float up like feathers
On the breeze
Too light
To catch
In fumbling, reaching hands.

Starting Over

2009-12-15T11:04:00.000-08:00

Every loss is a new beginning
Trying to find a space to truly fit in
Looking to place feet on stable ground
When something is lost that used to be found.

Missing the days of ease and peace
When everything I knew was within my reach
I have to learn how to make it alone
Because what is empty used to be called home.

Sifting through a life now tossed in shambles
My mind wanders and my words seem to ramble
Time to renew my broken spirit
Although some would say I really should fear it.

Stand amongst the shattered pieces
And shake out the silent tearful releases
Breathe in fresh, reviving air
Hold tight the hands of the ones who care.

Beginnings are not meant to be faced alone
Wounds will heal once they are shone
The light of smiling faces awaken
Strength to capture hope that was previously taken.

Chameleon

2009-12-04T16:30:00.000-08:00

You may say
I am a chameleon
My clothes change and my
Make-up changes with my moods.
I make myself at home in
A bookstore, an art gallery, a classroom
A dance floor, a sports bar, an opera.
I can make you smile with my changing faces
I can make you cry with my changing words
My strength grows with my acquired knowledge
My heart grows with acknowledgement of blessings.
I can change and move about
Unnoticed. Or if I choose
I can stand out and shine
So I say- you may say
I am a chameleon.

10-12-09 What is Wrong With Today

2009-11-10T14:45:00.000-08:00

I saw a blind man today

With his dog- walking slowly

I saw a girl today

Opening a door hastily

A library door

The blind man was going inside

He began to enter

And the girl let go

Of the door.

And the door

Hit the man and the dog.

Tiny Sleep

2009-11-10T14:42:00.000-08:00

Tiny sleep
Split second dream
Pregnant woman floating
Clouds floating
Stars suspended with strings
Giant cardboard box
A diorama
Child’s homework
Awake
Bleary eyed
Stretch arms
Art History
Chapter 8.

The First Rain 10-13-09

2009-10-14T15:57:00.000-07:00

The first rain has arrived
Trees stretch their branches and
Flowers their petals
Bathing in the cold crisp water
Puddles reflect the sun-shining like
Wiggling glass and rivers
Brighter than the muted sun
Shielded by fast moving clouds
Their shapes-peaks of freshly whipped cream
Windshield wipers dance like the outstretched arms
Of ballerinas moving gracefully, executing perfectly
The dance that accompanies
The symphony of Spartacus
That plays on my car stereo.

Aspens Upright

2009-10-14T12:15:00.000-07:00

Aspens upright in endless rows
Facing forward in paused march
Forming a pattern in militaristic style
Wind blows their million leaves
They curtain the sky above
Like green’s spectrum on scales
Of a million fish illuminated
Sounds like whispers or sweet beckoning song
Or blood flowing through the veins in my ears
Magnified
This sound draws peace and silence
Washes over me and I am still
Still as the trees’ trunks, swaying
Ever so slightly at the wind’s soft touch

New Eyes

2009-10-14T12:09:00.000-07:00

The sky is shades of grey today
Tiny-thin girls walk by with heavy laden footsteps
I see boots over jeans and the wrinkled scarves
That have been pulled from backs of drawers
My eyes see familiar trees and building
Through a new lens, a softer view
This change in the weather brings a
Change in my head, my mind is searching for
Something new and I am finding it in
Everything I see.
Is it the sky that makes me smile as I walk
Is it the cool air pushing into my lungs
Is it the thought of wrapping up in warm
Blankets and scarves and long sleeves
Maybe it is the thought that a new year is approaching
Maybe it is the sun that I know hides behind
The clouds and whispers softly in my ears
Translated by the wind in the trees.

Curves

2009-10-06T21:27:00.000-07:00

She bends his words to accommodate her taste
Bends phrases to move and flow with ease
Erases the memories she dares not keep
And finds nothing left but sweet and sour pieces

Bends her mind to fit the mold
Bends her heart to keep it safe
She feels the pain of emptiness and weeps
Tears heavy loaded with fine white powder and blood

Empty sorrow and empty eyes
She searches for a place to hide her hate
She wants to erase herself so
She bends her body to become invisible

And in the mold she fits so well
Perfectly angled and empty inside
Her face a canvas for it to paint
And with that she thinks she may survive

Her fears devour the hope she has
And once again she finds a way
To numb and run and fight and win
The battle with her mind- a loss

Broken down, she kneels
Sick and twisting with the pain
Stabbing, rushing, burns and aches
Crawls underneath her bed and hides
From the beam of sunlight entering through the blinds.

Chemistry

2009-09-24T21:40:00.000-07:00

You are never far from my heart
My thoughts contain you as
Petals contain and protect a stamen
I commence to walk with you in dreams
Hand in hand across the sand and skies
Above us fill with alto-cumulus clouds
The heat from the sun barely rivals
The heat between our hands’ embrace
Smiles sweet and soothing are captured
From our lips and imprinted on our souls

You are never far from my heart
And I am with you when you feel alone
I hear you cry out softly from your pillow
And rush to comfort your tormented sleep
Like waves filling a whole in the sand
When it has been opened by tiny hand or foot
Your eyes the blue of freshly fed lakes
They reach for me and hold my own gently
As you pause from a progression of kisses
A dance of two dandelion parachutes entangled

Carry Me 7-21-09

2009-08-02T09:38:00.000-07:00

Carry me home.
Home to my sunshine and heat
Home to mornings with dulcet
Birds and sprinklers and faint breezes.
Carry me home to my pale blue
Sheets and pale blue ocean coastlines
That turn into deep blue dreams
Dreams and sun kissed skin and ice cream
Carry me home to the scent of
Oranges and smoke and sea breeze
The scent of a man just back from work
And holding me close to his heart.
Carry me home to stay with you.

New Moon

2009-08-02T09:33:00.000-07:00

Distant waters caress the shores
Their rhythmic cadence beckoning me to
Leave my solitude and join them in
Their dance welcoming the new moon.

My silent, motionless upright pose
Held still despite the sensual distraction
Waves upon shores and raindrops gently
Massaging my peacefully resting shoulders.

I feel a growing yearning for
A walk under a deep blue sky
Artfully strewn stars floating like diamonds
In a new moon sewn, umbrella spider web.

Epic dances for evolving constellations
Their steps passing thoughts in my unconscious
Before me contemplated and after as well
These astrological miracles we see in the sky.

Daydream 7-15-09

2009-07-15T16:02:00.000-07:00

Standing on the sand, cool water laps at my feet
Nothing but the sound of wind and water
Elements of the origin I suppose
It whispers to me with its gentle tongue
Come in come in the peaceful resting water
No crashing, no turbulence, no peaks
The waves are resting their souls
Centered and serene, I step forward
Feet sink into the wet sand a little deeper
My heart slows to a state of calm
Oh how the tides bring me back
Again and again. Standing on the edge
Of this piece of land and that vast ocean
Cheeks warmed by the sun, feet cooled by the water
My peaceful, quiet place, my escape, my daydream.

Discovery 7-8-09

2009-07-08T21:49:00.000-07:00

Wandering the labyrinth in my mind
Walking towards a center which is hard to find
Not looking back- for once it is found
A new path out and homeward bound
Every truth discovered behind a closed door
Leads me smiling in search of more and more
Menageries chronicle battles won and lost
Wire wrapped in roses and shrubs tipped in frost
Long past but never forgotten or dismissed
Places, people, faces that appear in the mist
I lose myself while I revisit my fears
Oh how I hid them for all of these years
Traveling deep into my stifled emotions
The labyrinth is beginning to feel more like an ocean
Just when I’m beginning to think I will drown
Strength from above scoops me up and sets me on dry ground
The center, naked and strong, may be just out of sight
But for now I am bathing in its radiating light.

Inversion 7-8-09

2009-07-08T21:26:00.000-07:00

I have inverted

Crawled inside myself
I live in rooms where
There is no sound
Save for my breath

And my heart beat
Teasing me menacingly

Repeatedly
I have drawn back

From the laughter
And the smiles

From the outside
I am blank
I am a robot
I go through the motions
So they say and
I live each day

In wondering state
Will I wake up

From this sleep
Or is it my fate?

Unknowns 6-24-09

2009-06-30T10:43:00.000-07:00

Unknowns
Draw lines before I know
What I am creating
Pencil to paper in the
Usual nonchalant style
Swooping lines
Curves mimicking
My thoughts swirling
Like water rippling
Amidst a lake serene
Tip brushing paper lightly
Grey dust scatters slightly
Figures appear and they
Are dancing in time
To their own silent waltz
A scene from a dream
Or a movie I once saw
These dancers are
Unknown to me but
They know each other well
And that is perfection.

I Don't Iron. 6-29-09

2009-06-29T13:57:00.001-07:00

I don’t iron. But
I laugh
And sing
And dance
And pray
And say please and thank you
And I love
And smile
And live and breathe
But I don’t iron.

Dream 6-25-09

2009-06-26T11:12:00.000-07:00

I dreamed a dream within a dream
Where nothing was really what it seemed
There were chairs made from soft serve cream
And each day and night was torn at the seams.

You rose up from midnight waters
A modern day Poseidon to hopeful daughters
I thought this to be poetic fodder
My cheek your lips did make much hotter.

We danced a dance of celestial kings
And spoke of philosophical things
Your voice a smooth bravado with wings
Around you-an assembly of angels who sing.

My dress had folds of artichoke leaves
And jewels begotten by wayward thieves
And when we chose this place to leave
Ascended to the sky riding on a breeze.

The sea an endless rhythm driven by the moon
Darkness and circumstance it has never known
It lulls me from this dreaming home
And caresses me with its wave formed foam.

Meditation 6-24-09

2009-06-24T17:25:00.000-07:00

At rest
Peaceful and still
Yogic pose held intently
Breathe in and out
Quite content to stay
Here for a while
And I choose not to
Close my eyes
Focus on the tiny dots
In the panel
Above my head
Inverted body
Inverted mind
Flowing thoughts
Float by but
Do not stop to bother
Me instead they
Pass without a pause
Breathe in and fill
My open belly, lungs,
Mind, soul
Nourish cells with
Air I concentrate
On the air and
Breathe out.
Still, peaceful
At rest.

Alignment 6-20-09

2009-06-20T22:17:00.000-07:00

I ponder
The time
When my heart
And my mind
Are able to
Realign

Will they converse
And intertwine
Or will they
Both burst
And in what time

I ponder their
Battles past
And present
Why is there such
Toil to a descent

I ponder what things
They may have
In common
Do they remember
Ever a time
When they both
Let some love in?

Wonder if
My heart and
My head can
Converge
And if so
Will a new life
For me emerge

Will I appear
Renewed and refreshed
Or war torn
From the battle
And hair all a mess
And face striped
With tears
Or will I
Smile ear to ear.

Searching 6-16-09

2009-06-16T21:28:00.000-07:00

Searching for a sign
Of where I am supposed to be
Opening my eyes as wide as I can
But it only makes things more unclear
In the darkness between you and me.

Where is the guiding star
To help me find my way?
Supposed to have found it by now
How am I so confused
I search for clarity by day?

Am I looking too hard for something
That is right in front of me?
Is it right here in my hands
Or slipping from a tight grasp
Though I am trying so desperately.

For I seek to find love and
The peace that is divine
The thing that is intangible
It is the breath of life-
Calming even the most turbulent mind.

In a quest to find the one
Whose hands will hold my heart,
Whose smile is the compliment to mine.
At the moment I find it I believe
My destiny will surely start.

But this search has made me weary
My eyes are in need of rest,
Mind tired of the race to find
The sign, the one, the star
And the end point of the quest.

In the simplest of dreams
We are walking hand in hand
Along a breezy shoreline
With no space between our souls
And no need to understand.

Is this dream the one thing
That could be my guiding star?
My sign that I need search no more
For in this dream I find my peace
Where ever it is you are...

Floating

2009-06-16T19:38:00.000-07:00

Balloons floating by
Blue, pink, purple, green.
Colors of flowers unpicked
And thriving.
They float up past me
Past the cloud I float upon.
Dancing in the breeze
And ribbons dangling below
Twisting and spinning
Are they joyous
To be free like me?
My head is light on my body now.

Curious thoughts have brought me
To this place.
How do these clouds not drop
Their tiny tears and just let go?
The moist soft featherweight air
Blankets, comforts, frees my soul.

Balloons pop through like
Tiny faces in peephole windows.
Are the balloons home?
Is this their final destination?
They may be just like us,
Given birth at random points
Of excitement and love.
Some set free immediately,
Some wait and die slowly
With those who love them dearly.
And in the end
We all yearn to be here
In the clouds
Floating, dancing, joyous.

Dreaming 6-16-09

2009-06-16T19:30:00.000-07:00

What dream is this?
Have I left home
And traveled somehow to
A place I never knew?

Have I awakened
Here next to you?
Opened my eyes
And didn't realize.

Or am I still in slumber?
Dreaming of this day
My body lies
While my soul flies.

The sun is radiating
Warmth and light from above
Brings about a pair of spider-web wings
As I dream of saccharine things.

A dream of love
That centers my mind.
My wings are strong
So as my heart deep in song.

What dream is this?
That has brought to me
Peace and hope aligned
Within the eyes I wake to find.

4:30am

2009-06-10T14:30:00.000-07:00

4:30am

I lie here staring from the corner
Of my eyes at the window in my
Really quite comfortable bed
Just the right warmth
Blankets enveloping me.
It should not be so hard to sleep.
My mind is alert, though
My eyes are mad at me
For opening them too soon.
They sting and my lashes are heavy.
I know I am excited for
I would not be in this state if
I was not in anticipation of wings.

In anticipation of wings
I have grown restless and wiggle
In my bed and my skin
And in my brain.
So excited to fly.
So excited to be free.
So, I toss and turn and
Am too awake to sleep.
All in anticipation of wings.

He

2009-06-09T09:29:00.000-07:00

Turned me on with a flick of his eyes
Horn rimmed with silver shiny excitement
A new kind of heat radiating now
From that spot I had begun to think
Had grown cold and given up
So excited though I don't know
If he feels the same. Wonder-
Was that a look of amalgamation
Or just a bit of sheer confusion?

Knew how to push the surface buttons
To make me want to play along
And I in a fit of renewed flirtation
I think I remember the tune of this song.
I stare too long with bedroom eyes
Until he breaks and looks away
A look from him to rival mine
Would surely be the end of something
Or possibly the start, could be...

Is it a symmetrical attraction?
Both waiting for one to make a move
Our playful, childlike interaction
Comes close to mimicry of animalistic games
Unsatisfied now I am somewhat confused
For as I walk away distracted
The words stuck in my throat, I wonder
Is he is a similar state of aspiration
Or am I fighting a bit of delusion?

Stepford Training 6-8-09

2009-06-09T09:27:00.000-07:00

Her naivete was unbecoming
Even in the most prim of situations
For her plastic smile and other things
Gave away her scheming plot
And unveiled her desire
For the most materialistic winnings.

Misguided aggression forced inward
Tiny blade against forced taut skin
Tiny pills down her throat
To have the tiny waist
To fit the dress
That everyone is wearing this season.

Tears stream down in bathroom stalls
When houses are empty long after
Her picture perfect man has forgotten
His little princess bride at home.
Run, tan, lacquer, smile.

Grandma

2009-06-04T11:16:00.000-07:00

So slow
Days filled with gliding motions
Around the tiny house
Back and forth
Feet shuffle, walker squeaks
Constant hum and tiny voices in her head
She answers them
I am sure
Always waiting, always hoping
Thought we'd get some company today
She says
Looks out the window again
No one there again

Open 6-1-09

2009-06-02T15:49:00.000-07:00

Energy racing through my veins
Like white powder but without the name.
Legs and finger move on their own
Racing until I am safe at home.
Does this come from just inside?
Where is my safe place to hide?
Feels like I could hurt someone
It ruins me, I come undone.
Skin is itching and hair pulled out,
I wonder what it is all about.
Anger at myself runs deep
For promises I failed to keep.
All this force is such a waste
Turned inside with hateful haste.
No chance of sleep or peaceful dreaming
Erratic thoughts are constantly streaming.
Head feels heavy, body light
Where did I lose control tonight?

Darkness 5-28-09

2009-05-28T20:49:00.000-07:00

Drawn to the macabre like
Flies to the light
Darkness surrounds
But your force is so bright.
Wings turn to dust
At the grasp of the moth
Strength is expressed
Push my face to the cloth.
Black and red silk
Surrounds my nude form
Pain in my wrists
While I writhe in this storm.
Loving each minute
As you give the orders
Neck shrinks in hands
My breath becomes shorter.
Darkness a mask
For our sinister game
Love and hate sometimes
Are one in the same.

Robots 5-18-09

2009-05-19T17:35:00.000-07:00

Mechanical movements draw his eyes
Her hips a twisting washing machine drum.
She cannot know her machines workings
They draw from him an automatic reaction
His switch flipped up and
His body turned on
He finds this electric current flowing
Ands he joins in the connection.
He wraps his arms in sudden yearning
Around this mechanical seductress
How has she brought out this robot
With her false misleading direction.
An empty robot with perfect proportions
Her shell the only tool of seduction.
Connections lost once filled by erection
And once again she heads out for completion.
Her hips twist like a washing machine drum.
These mechanical movements draw the eyes.

Words 5-12-09

2009-05-19T07:25:00.000-07:00

These words flow smooth from my lips like
Water streaming down the backs of legs in the shower.
Rhymes, rhythm, verses run out like
Children fly out onto the playground after class.
This is my craft, my wood I am carving
It's molded in my mind like clay shaped by my fingers.
Words shift and dance and play among my thoughts
Tumble onto paper and keyboard and appear in front of me
As if they were brought there by magic.
Passionate words come out quick and sharp
Like breath when fists hit chests,
Forced forward by no choice of the owner
And drawn back but not completely, not mine anymore.
Each line a string from my heart drawn out
And curved and sewn into a fabric of unknown design.
My words are my dreams, my life, my memories
They choose me, I do not own them any more than
A songbird owns its song or a chameleon owns its color.
My words are little rivers given to me to release
And let flow out into the world to refresh and restore.

Peace 5-12-09

2009-05-14T10:55:00.000-07:00

In an age of overindulgence and
Too tan too skinny too everything
Women wearing rocks
Too heavy for dainty fingers

They play too hard and their men
Too proud to want more
Than pretty faces with
Too much paint too much counterfeit

I search for something more-something
Too serene too calm too easy
And I find it comes to me in silence
Sits and waits too patiently even
And I feel it fits and I love it

And I crawl too slowly towards it
Does it think I am hunting it?
Too hungry for that peace
I cry invisible tears
Draw in invisible breath
So as to not disturb the calm

To wake the noise would be a crime
So I perch like a tiny bird
Next to it and pray
That it does not run away.

Blades of Grass 5-5-09

2009-05-07T10:37:00.000-07:00

If every face were but a blade of grass
The world would be a sea of green and glass
Walls built up by differences would not last
Blown in the wind, as memories of the past.

And every time the rain fell to the earth
We all would equally embrace its worth
For it would be our vital nourishment
The water washing over in sacrament.

As each sunrise and sunset plays its part
Our waking moments signal a fresh start
Growth coming from an effort all as one
To reach the breeze that carries to us the sun.

Our lives would be combined as sand and seed
And new hope almost could be guaranteed
No discrimination and a love so vast
Because in one family we would be cast.

Hot Day 4-21-09

2009-04-28T17:28:00.000-07:00

Sunshine on my face
Like a million spicy kisses or
Like wasabi on my sushi
Hitting lips and stinging.
Shoulders turning pinkish brown
And heated breasts in swimsuits.
This hot day is made better
When I sink into the pool-
Like a fish returning home.

Your legs dangle in the water
Chlorine keeps it clear enough
Like doctored toxic liquid.
Not blue but the sun hits it
And creates rippling of light color.
Splashes make tiny waves
And they’re tickling my ribs.
I am not all the way in-
It's cold against my belly
An awakening of my senses.

Kids jumping in lines, holding hands,
No fear of the brisk deeper water.
Screams and shrieks fill the air,
Wish it would be still but there’s
No stopping the commotion.
I know it's the joy of the sun
On this day, this time of year,
Heat on an almost-summer day.

Women in rows on lounge chairs
Like newborn chicks waiting for worms.
Silent fights over the best angle
Keep their conversation distant.
Sunning shoulders, cheeks and tops
Of feet and thighs, lying on towels
Like floating on magic carpets.
They hope for something magic while
Their kids are dancing happy.

Hot Day, I in the water wading.
You on the side of the pool smiling.
And we soak up midday sun.

I Bleed Red 4-27-09

2009-04-27T18:40:00.000-07:00

I bleed red
red roses
They fall from my knee,
the palm of my hand.
Red roses fall in bunches
hit the ground
and I pluck them up.
Gather them into a bouquet
and hand them to you.
A gift, red roses,
life flowing out of me,
pooling, cooling instantly.
Beautiful but dead immediately.
Forced to leave quickly,
as skin opens up like
a tiny crack,
a doorway to my heart.
Here are your red roses,
I hope you enjoy them
before they crumble.

Noon Sun

2009-04-23T21:22:00.000-07:00

They lay on the driveway,
Unafraid of big black rubber and metal.
They arch their backs in perfect-formed yoga poses.
They sun themselves with no concern
For skin cancer or wrinkles.
Eat crawling insects and
Chomp wings with invisible teeth.
Their eyes closed tight and tails gone limp.
Not a concern in the world but
The passing of an unexpected cloud.
These tiny majestic rough skinned lizards,
Their moment of peace a dream of mine.

I Fly 4-20-09

2009-04-21T10:29:00.000-07:00

I am black.
Not thought of in high regard.
Sometimes even hated.
I am the subject of scary movies and
Nightmares of one kind or another.
I scavenge and search for a place
In a world full of color and beauty.
My face is not so different
Yet it is not noticed against
A backdrop of sky.
You look up and see me
Turn your face away as if
Disgusted by my presence.
I do not ask anything more of you
Than any other yet
You seem so annoyed.
Why is this
Such a sad state of life for me?
Why care what you think?
If only you could see the beauty underneath
My feathers.
I am a crow, I fly
and you walk.

Fear of Heights 4-11-09

2009-04-13T17:46:00.000-07:00

My fear of heights is revealed
While hiking with my daughter
As I watch her footsteps
More carefully than my own.
Listen to her shoes against
Gravel, sand, grass, and mud.
Streams crossed carelessly
Like a balance beam, while I
Hold my breath and pray for
Weighted steps.
She pounds her walking stick in play,
I am grateful it will scare away
Hidden critters.
My inner thoughts disguised by
Approving words and praise at
How easily she makes the climb.
This fearless adventurer child,
With mother behind her
Arms and body bracing
Just in case.

Winds

2009-04-07T13:01:00.000-07:00

In the beginning I think.
The winds bring melancholy
Twist my thoughts and turn them into a paper airplane
They are sailing away and I grab the tail.
I am forced to ride but
Find I am not afraid.
The wind does not look back
The wind knows where it is going.
It has never been wrong
Though man's dreams have gotten in its way.
I let the wind lift me and am enlightened
Light as a feather floating amongst the clouds
Riding the blueprints carried by the wind.

Stained Glass Window 4-4-09

2009-04-04T21:29:00.000-07:00

Reflection in a stained glass window
Distorted, broken into fragments
And made beautiful with color and light.
Image of an angel and a baby

With my eyes and hands and arms mixed in.
Do you see me through the glass?
Can you see me looking at myself-

From the other side of the window?
I see you staring up at me
And the angel and the baby, we
Are as one for just this minute.
We are beautiful mixed together.
Do not separate the colors,
Do not pull us apart.
My reflection in the stained glass window
Is who I see myself to be-
Angel, child, and woman bathed in light.

My Strength

2009-04-02T09:31:00.000-07:00

I see my strength in my daughter’s eyes.
Reflected so clearly when I hold her tight.
She knows she is safe within arm’s reach,
And looks to me in the moments I teach.

I see my strength when I walk through a new door
Never stop moving forward or wanting more.
I find strength in a desire to learn new things
And the freedom that knowledge and wisdom can bring.

I see my strength in the soles of my shoes,
Worn down from running and miles of use.
I run to release whatever is inside
And I run to feel the power in my stride.

I see my strength in the friends that I keep
And the happiness and love that sings us to sleep.
We find strength in laughing with an open heart
And it stays with us always, even where we’re apart.

I see my strength in the love I pour out
For the strongest of men know that’s what life is about.
Love is the strongest of ties, we all know
And the truth about love is that it makes us glow.

Haikus

2009-04-02T09:07:00.000-07:00

One bead of sweat drips.
He wipes it away and sighs-
Wish we had A.C.

Glancing through the blinds,
Spider on the other side--
Seems without a web.

Locked out of the house
I am standing here naked
Now I am in trouble.

Five small butterflies
Spin silently above me—
I am still awake.

Twin Stars

2009-03-28T08:52:00.000-07:00

Lips like raspberry pillows,
I'd think they would burst when pressed against my own.
Skin like cream and butter in a heated pan on the stove.
Puts a smile upon my face,
When I thought the world would swallow me whole.
I can't help but dance here and I'd like to call this home.

Every sentence is completed
By thought crossed inside our minds.
No need for words or sound, it's all given with the eyes.
I have no secrets, nothing hidden
I couldn't hide it if I tried.
Every smile, every tear, every ache
No need for pride.

Arms wrap around my shoulders
I feel safe and warm and loved
And the breath I hear inside, it
Matches rhythms in my head.
It's the sound of comfort and acceptance
It's the hold-together thread.
Two twin stars, had to cross paths somewhere
And we decided to stick instead.

Doll

2009-03-17T09:15:00.000-07:00

I may be a broken doll
Fell off the shelf and have never been the same
Pull my strings and you may not like what you hear
Don't know what you'll get but it may not be what I mean.
Have one eye that never closes
Always watching out and
One that drifts back to far off places
In my mind, my imagination still works overtime.
Lashes stick out. Liner drawn on like cat eyes.
Far too dramatic really, but it makes me look so pretty.
Lips a perfect shade of red, a shiny lacquer.
How do they think this fits my baby’s body, I don't know.
But my arms move about like open hugs,
I bend in the right places.
And my legs hold me up, never fail me when I run.
My heart drawn crimson on my pretty little dress,
If only you knew I really do wear it for all to see.
Hold me in your arms
And I am yours forever.
But I am a broken doll
So be careful with me please.

Tears

2009-02-19T21:33:00.000-08:00

Tears fall like shooting stars
Down the milky white sky that is her skin.
Into the ocean that is my heart-
My heart- that poured out for her before.
Now filled with soot, black and brown like highway dirt,
Ashes of a love that burnt itself out in an empty space
When she could not love back.
Too much pain to feel good she said.
It's too bad now that these stars fall alone.
Mine have all disappeared, dried up
Gone far before she could ever catch them.
They fell onto countertops piled with old love letters
Photographs, and notes scribbled on scraps of envelopes.
I sit watching tiny shooting stars fall from black brown eyes.
Her hair frames that white sky, a wet limp drapery.
The same hair that once fell across my face
And I would blow softly to make it float up.
Laughter now swept away and saddened breath put in its place.
How desolate this garden feels as this plays out
Already determined to shrink back what surrounds us to a tiny speck.
Turning it into a black hole, her and I sitting at the bottom,
I look up to catch a glimpse of light,
She folds into herself and floats away.

02-10-09 Beads

2009-02-10T17:01:00.000-08:00

Beads

Ruby red smeared on my lips,
Juice from the pomegranate.
Spit seeds to the side.
Fingers dyed crimson,
Purplish red.
Skin torn hastily
From it's head.
Pink dripping down my chin,
Juice from the pomegranate.
Handful of bitter sweet fruit.
White guts ripped
To shreds
To get to the heart
It's already dead.
Seems like a child's work,
Searching for the little beads.
Ripened by the sun and rain.
Opened by my selfish hands,
No chance to be reborn again.
Life of the pomegranate.
Dropped from bushes
Cracked by birds
Or just the hardened soil.
Spill forth from waste,
Or rotting flesh.
Seeds spread out
Across the land.
Little beads of life
May dig again.
Birth of a pomegranate.

02-08-09 Broken Soul

2009-02-08T22:06:00.000-08:00

Broken Soul

You've taken this girl
This strong girl
This brave girl
This smart girl
And broken down
Weakened
Shrunken her frame
She cowers and is silent
But her thoughts run free in her mind
and peer out through her brown eyes
at you.

12-5-08 Misplaced

2009-02-08T21:54:00.000-08:00

Misplaced

The schoolyard is empty
I swing and sway fit snugly between the chains holding me
Soar high above the sand, lost in memories and wishes.
Look around at the playground, slowly filling with people
How it resembles the bar, when you think about it
Two here, four there, I swing
Alone. Trying to fly up and away
I jump off, land, thud. In the sand
Look around for a quick escape but
The girls see me and sneer, turn to each other and whisper
I avert my eyes. And catch his
He smiles a yellow, smoky grin
I head with purpose
Out past the people who are all looking at me now, are they?
Fast to my car
Get in.
Sigh.
I am leaving the playground alone again.